The Big Ultrasound

For at least the last few weeks people keep asking us what we think we are having. My standard answer was always that I didn't have a feeling one way or the other but I was assuming it would be boy since Bobby's immediate family is all boys. Since Bobby has a son from a previous relationship, this will probably be our only baby. Bobby has one brother who also has a son. Of course my MIL put in her "order" for a girl, as if I could control that. I honestly just didn't have a feeling. I would sit and daydream, hoping that something would come. Some sort feeling or intuition of what this baby would be. Nothing. All around us people would guess, as people love to do. Most guessed girl, but Bobby and I would always reply that the odds were against it and we just wanted a healthy baby.

In the deep, dark recesses of my bitter heart I longed for a girl. I wouldn't let myself get my hopes up though. I was completely prepared for this baby to be a boy. I bought fabric for the nursery that is gender neutral but definitely boyish. The first baby purchase I made was a red Star Wars onesie (girls can like Star Wars right?). I knew if we found out this was a boy I would take a few days to mourn my dreams of a baby girl but would be ultimately joyous with a healthy baby boy. After so much loss in my life and it taking so long to get pregnant with this miracle, in the grand scheme of things it doesn't matter. Boy, girl. Just let us have a healthy baby.

Bobby and I went to our BIG Ultrasound a week ago today. This was our first view of the baby since 7 weeks. I was slightly terrified. Not of finding out the gender, but of seeing something grossly wrong. As we waited to be called back I felt sick to my stomach with nerves. Bobby asked me why. Why? What if something was wrong? What if we would be faced to make the hardest decision of our lives? A small part of me wanted to run away. To not know. To hide under the covers, just me and this tiny life inside me, to be ignorant and oblivious to any evils.

We were called back by Raj, the ultrasound dude (I am not sure if he is a tech or a radiologist). Raj is a quiet soul. Very gentle in speech and mannerisms. I laid on the table and he squirted the warm gel all over my belly. He put the wand to my skin and we immediately saw the baby. Oh what a site! Here was a real baby, not the cockroach looking thing inside me at 7 weeks. He moved the wand and we were looking at the baby's butt and legs. I could see something between it's legs, but had no idea what I was seeing. I asked, "Is that the money shot?". He softly laughed and said, "No, that is the umbilical cord." We all had a good chuckle out of that.

He moved the wand around and said in his quiet soothing way...You are having a baby girl.

GIRL? I started tearing up. I turned to Bobby, who was sitting in a chair to my left. I didn't realize we were holding hands. He now squeezed mine and asked Raj, Are you sure? Yes, I'm positive, it's a girl. A girl. A girl. A girl. My mind was buzzing yet blank at the same time. I was sort of numb, not in a bad way, but numb.

The entire ultrasound took about 45 minutes. It was amazing. We saw all her parts. Brain, heart, kidneys, bladder, stomach, spine, face, legs, arms...you get the picture. What was amazing to me was how much she is moving around that I don't feel yet. She was opening and closing her hand, stretching out, arching her back. You know how people have those cute ultrasound pictures of their baby sucking their thumb? I don't have one of those, because our baby girl was picking her nose. Yep, picking her nose. Good job baby.

Unfortunately Raj isn't allowed to tell us if he sees any issues or problems. I have an appointment with my OB a week from today to go over the ultrasound and quad screen. Visually to our untrained eyes, everything looked like it was where it should be. Two arms, legs, feet, hands, one head and all that. I guess now we wait to make sure all the insides are ok and what our odds for downs and other defects are. I'd like to believe that if those are ok I can relax, but I have a feeling this motherhood worrying is just beginning.

A girl. As I type this a week later, I am tearing up (ok, honestly crying). Not because I am not happy. I am overjoyed. I cry because my mother isn't here to share in my joy. Oh I know she is "here" and all that bullshit. I mean really here. Physically here. Shopping here. Hugging here. Advice here. Annoying here. Telling all her friends and clients here.

I'm here. Bobby's here. Soon a baby girl will make her way here.